A Modest Proposal for SGA Senate

A resolution to change the name of the Student Government Association of The University of Southern Mississippi.

Whereas, the Student Government Association, commonly known as SGA, is thought

        of by a majority of the student body as a largely ineffective organization in

        terms of governance,

Whereas, the SGA serves no tangible function aside from planning five events

        throughout the course of each academic year,

Whereas, the administration of The University of Southern Mississippi does not seem to

        trust students enough to have a legitimately student-run association that behaves

        as a governing body with real influence,

Whereas, the SGA’s only major accomplishment, which it touts around each year as a

        matter of pride, is the establishment of the Payne Center, despite the evidence

        that the SGA’s role in the acquisition of funds for the facility was minimal at best,

Whereas, additionally, the SGA Judicial Board’s primary function is to hear parking

        ticket appeals and, occasionally, decrease the amount due by students who

        have violated the Parking and Traffic Regulations of the university,

Whereas, also, the SGA Treasurer has no real authority regarding the SGA’s finances,

        nor the resources to perform his or her duties as outlined within the

        SGA Constitution,

Therefore, be it resolved by the Senate that the Constitution of the Student

        Government Association is amended as follows:

Section I, Article I of the SGA Constitution is amended by striking the entirety

        of the section and inserting, “The name of this organization shall be the

        Glorified Event Planning Association of The University of Southern

        Mississippi, otherwise referred to as the GEPA,” and each subsequent

        section as well as the very title of the this document shall refer to

        the SGA as GEPA.

Section II, Article I of the SGA Constitution is amended by striking

        “Judicial Board,” and the Constitution is further amended by

        striking any mention of “Judicial Board,” and by inserting, in

        the term’s stead, the name “Ticket Appeals Branch.”

Section III, Article I of the SGA Constitution is amended by striking

        “three distinct branches: executive, legislative, and judicial” and

        “three branches (executive, legislative, and judicial,” and inserting

         “two distinct branches: executive and judicial” and “two branches

        (executive and judicial),” since the Senate appears to be a relatively

         useless branch of the association, and the Constitution is further

         amended by eliminating Article III in its entirety.

Section V, Article I of the SGA Constitution is amended by striking

        “and Treasurer,” and the Constitution is further amended by

        striking any subsequent mention of the Treasurer within the

        Constitution, including Section X, Article I, since the position

        of Treasurer is utterly pointless.

Respectfully submitted the 23rd of March 2015

This was a satirical opinion written by managing editor Alan Rawls. For comments or questions, contact him at [email protected].