Swipe Right


It’s that time of year again. The weather’s growing cooler (for those of us in Mississippi, this means that the thermometer reads a cool 99 degrees instead of the typical 100), basketball season is almost upon us, Starbucks is mere days from unveiling its widely anticipated holiday cups and contentious people have found an innocent inanimate object on which to project all their completely pointless hatred and disgust.

This year’s object is, yet again, believed to be the aforementioned holiday cup. I say “believed” because the real holiday cup hasn’t even been released yet – Starbucks has actually pushed a limited edition green design featuring a mosaic of over one hundred people drawn in one continuous stroke.

The cup, according to Howard Schultz, chairman and CEO, is meant to serve as “a symbol of unity as a reminder of our shared values, and the need to be good to each other.” It’s no coincidence that Starbucks chose to release it just days before the most divisive election in U.S. History, and if people weren’t so quick to jump to conclusions, they might appreciate the message.

Instead, they’ve taken to social media in hordes, offended by what they believe to be Starbucks’ holiday cups. In order to show you just how ridiculous it is to complain about this or any cup, I’ve listed five things that I find more offensive.

Regular, Single-Stuffed Oreos

People who buy these are either desperate, don’t know about the existence of double-stuffed Oreos or are determined to be unhappy. What else do you prefer? Half-patty burgers? Mozzarella sticks with minimal cheese? Living till you’re half the average lifespan? (Although, if you don’t balance the double stuffing with double the exercise, you just might get to enjoy that one regardless.)

The Hoodjab

There’s a fine line between fashion faux pas and blatantly disrespectful crime against humanity. The hoodjab is a lovely wardrobe piece that happens to reside on the wrong side of that line, and claiming otherwise is offensive on every level. Most of you probably don’t even know what it is. It’s a mix between a hood and a hijab, and every bit as hideous as you’re imagining. (My strong feelings about this stem from the fact that I’ll never be “hood” enough to wear one successfully, and that makes me sad.)

Zayn Malik’s decision to leave One Direction

I know this happened years ago, but it’s still too soon for me to comment. (I got to the boy band obsession phase of my life embarrassingly late, okay?)

The “How I Met Your Mother” series finale

I am a happily adjusted young adult with a fairly bright outlook and lots and lots and lots of dark, unresolved feelings regarding “How I Met Your Mother” and that’s perfectly fine. I’m learning how to be fine.

The Fact That It’s Barely Past Halloween and We’re Already Talking about Christmas

Why is the whole “holiday cup” thing even already a concern? What happened to Thanksgiving and turkeys and feasting and family – oh right, we have an accused rapist running for president next week, and things are awkward because family allegiances are somehow divided. Haha, pass the gravy.