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Weary of midterms?

Excited for spring break?

Enjoying your relationship?


Now, let me ruin it for you.

Statistically speaking, you’re heading for a breakup.

According to a 2010 Facebook chart compiled by British journalist and graphic designer David McCandless, the biggest spikes in status updates containing the phrases “breakup” and “broken up” occur after Valentine’s Day and in the weeks leading up to spring break. Presumably, this occurs because your significant other finds himself emboldened by the season of new beginnings and eager to rid himself of old baggage (read: you).

Call it a “rebirth,” call it a “spring cleaning,” call it a fitting end to the long list of disappointments that have come to resemble something you previously called a “life.” Whatever it is, it’s sure to be devastating, and whatever it is, I’m here to help you through it by showing you how this miserable experience quite closely resembles something that’s largely positive and that you will endure very soon – a week off from school.

Here’s how a bad breakup is like spring break.

You begin to envy people in far worse situations than you.

When anything in my life goes wrong and I find myself lacking something I desperately crave, I often overlook the incredible things with which I’ve already been blessed. I don’t think I’m alone in doing so.

Oh, is homely-looking Jill going stag to another party? Well at least her heart’s still intact. At least those cats in her future will love her back.

Is Juan facing deportation after the latest executive order? At least he gets to go to another country while your parents continue to affix wooden signposts marking “Disney World” in the backyard.

Speaking of your parents – they’ve never been happier.

Your parents haven’t seen you in months and can’t wait to spend the week flattering you with praise and questions of impending marriage proposals. Speaking of marriage proposals, they are super glad you dumped that good-for-nothing deadbeat whose name will henceforth be blissfully omitted from any family gathering.

“But he dumped me,” you’ll tell them feebly.

“That’s just semantics,” they’ll say.

For the first time in a long time, you have time but that time is useless.

Parting ways with your significant other will increase all kinds of things: the money in your bank account, the food in your fridge, your free time and your (until recently, well-hidden) desire for self-immolation. Unfortunately, it’s a little difficult to enjoy these things when you know why you have them. In the same way, it’s hard to enjoy all the free time you have during spring break knowing that group projects and term papers await you on the other side.

Pictures are probably not a good idea.

Breakups are a memorable time of which you most definitely do not need memory- recalling photographs. Trust me – you’ll remember these lows without convenient snapshots, and the upside to not having any is that the edges will soften in your recollections.

On the spring break side, it’s best you don’t recall every moment of your wild youth. Several tattoo removal processes exist for a reason.

Sometimes, indulgence is key.

The best thing you can do for yourself during this miserable time is throwing yourself in headfirst. Zero to 1,000, if you will.

Wallow in that misery as thoroughly as you can, and then brush yourself off and try again.

During your spring break, do all the crazy things you’ve always wanted to do, but then don’t ever call them to mind or tongue again and definitely do not, for the love of all that’s good and holy, call your ex and attempt to get back together again.